BarryHutchison.com

It has been a long, bumpy ride, filled with danger, excitement, and some stuff about water pistols, but we made it, loyal readers. We made it to 250 posts.

Being a naturally lazy person, with little or no inherent motivation to do anything that requires any effort whatsoever, getting to post 250 is a big achievement for me. It gives me hope that one day I might reach as many as 260, or even 285 posts! Can you imagine?

But let’s not get carried away. For now, let us enjoy post 250 for what it is – one post more than 249, and one less than 251. Look at it sitting there, all quarter-of-1000-esque in its charm and beauty.

Of course, 250 is a special number anyway. We all know there were 250 Munchkins in the Wizard of Oz (of which 4 didn’t commit suicide on set). There were 250 drafts of the script to Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, each one infinitely worse than the one before. And, of course, there are 250 days in a year, if you take away 115 other days first. It really is a special, almost magical number, which is why I feel it must be celebrated.

But how to celebrate? A party? My house isn’t big enough for all of you to come. A special plaque of some kind? No, that costs money, and I’m far too tight to spend any.

So how about a giveaway? Two giveaways, in fact?

THE GREAT 250th POST GIVEAWAY #1

You’ve probably heard about my children’s horror novel, the frankly brilliant Invisible Fiends: Mr Mumbles. Maybe you already have a copy. But do you have a signed one? Signed and dedicate to YOU? Or to someone else you know? Do you? No? Well then this is the giveaway for you.

One lucky winner (just one, mind) will win a signed and dedicated copy of the book. To enter, you just have to leave a comment on this post, making sure you include your correct email address so I can get in touch with you if you win. The comment can be anything you like, as long as it makes some kind of vague, coherent sense. No single word/single letter comments, please. Say hello. Chat about the weather. Tell me you love me (you don’t ever do that any more). Whatever. Just leave a comment and you’ll be entered into the draw. The winner will be drawn on 27th April.

THE GREAT 250th POST GIVEAWAY #2

But like I said, there can be only one winner of the signed book. For those of you who don’t win (and for the lucky so-and-so who does) I’m offering another book for you to download and enjoy for FREE!

This is one of my early attempts at writing a children’s book. It’s a comedy sci-fi adventure for 9-12 year olds, called Johnny B. Weeyerd and the Cosmic Annihilator. It has everything – aliens, super-powers, purple hot dogs – they’re all in there somewhere, waiting to titilate and excite your eyes. It’s a first draft, so it’s far from perfect, but hopefully it’s enjoyable all the same.

The file is in PDF format, so you’ll need Adobe Acrobat Reader to open it, but that comes as standard on most PCs, so you shouldn’t have any problems. You are free to download the ebook, read it, pass it on to your friends, whatever takes your fancy. Try selling it or profiting from it in any way, though, and I swear to the gods I will hunt you down and beat you with a rubber hose. Capiche?

Grab your copy of the ebook by clicking here. You might need to right click and select “Save Target As”, depending on how your browser is set up.

So that’s it for post 250. Get leaving those comments to be in with a chance of winning a copy of Mr Mumbles, and if you read JBW, be sure to let me know what you think.

Back in March this year, I posted the first two chapters of the “practice” book I wrote – Kentucky Fried Fairy.  I remain convinced there’s a masterpiece hidden away in the manuscript somewhere, but I don’t have the time to dig it out.

Instead, I’ve decided to post the rest of the book, bit by bit, in PDF format.  Part one went up in March, and part two is going up now.  At this rate I’ll be finished posting it by the time I’m in my mid-40s.

Both files require Adobe Acrobat Reader to view, which you’ve probably already got.  And … er … that’s it.  Enjoy.

Kentucky Fried Fairy

Part one
Part two

I really just logged on here today to delete all the usual spam comments about Britney Spears’ … um … lady’s area, but then I noticed that my post last night was the forty-ninth one to appear on the site. For the mathematically challenged, that would make this post number fifty. A milestone in anyone’s book, and cause for some kind of celebration.

But what? A cake? I could bake (well, buy) a cake and scoff the lot, but as celebrations go, that one feels a little on the selfish side. I suppose if everyone sent me their address I could send them a very small slice, but it seems to be taking over a week for any mail to get here from the UK, so the cake might not be the freshest by the time it arrives.

So what, then? How can I possibly thank the three, maybe even four people who read the blog on a vaguely regular basis? By shutting down the site and promising never to write another word for the remainder of my natural life? Possibly, but I’ve got contracts to fulfill and deadlines to meet, so that would only come back and bite me on the backside.

Hmm. I’ll have a think about it while I write the remainder of this self-congratulatory blog entry.

Fifty posts, eh? It’s not a huge amount – particularly as at least one of them was about commas – but it’s not a pathetic number either. It’s not, like, five posts, say. That’d be rubbish. If I was patting myself on the back for managing five posts you’d have my full permission to kick me square in my lady’s area.

Whoops! I mean man’s area. Hahahaha. Typo, that’s all. Just a typo.

So, fifty. It’s half way to a hundred posts, so that’s quite good. I already have my celebration planned for when I reach the hundred mark. Live on webcam I intend to cocoon myself in a sticky black ichor, where I shall remain for three weeks. At the end of that period I shall emerge as a beautiful, giant butterfly with a book for a face.

I shall then flutter from town to town, presenting my book face for the townsfolk to read. As they gaze at my quivering pages, a tremendous sense of calm and tranquility shall wash over them, and there will be no more hatred left in their hearts.

In a century or more, when my work is finally done and the world is at last a place of peace and joy, I shall write of my life in a series of picture books aimed at the under fives. They shall be known as ‘The Adventures of Book Faced Barry, the Butterfly of Love’ and their message will spread throughout the cosmos, touching the lives of alien beings we’ve never even dreamed of.

Alternatively, I’ll put some stuff up for you to download, like I’ve decided to do to mark the fiftieth post. Yeah, in fact, I’ll definitely do that for post one hundred. It’s not that I have a problem with being a book faced butterfly of love, but I’d get claustrophobic in the cocoon for that amount of time, so – alas – I’ll have to give it a miss. Mankind will just have to muddle through on its own.

Anyway, here are some random downloads from my hard drive you might fancy taking a look at. Or you might not. Entirely your call. I mean, it’s not like I’ve sweat blood and tears over them or that …

1. Gangrene – Page One
Page one of GANGRENE #1 has been all inked up and is looking fab. It’ll be coloured in the finished product, but here it is in glorious monochrome. The lettering was stuck on quite quickly by me, but a proper letterer who actually knows what he’s doing is going to be lettering the final comic. The pencils here are done by the ever-excellent Neil Chenier, with inks by Jeremy Freeman.

2. Gangrene – Draft One
And to go with the first page, here’s the full script for issue one in Adobe PDF format. Be warned, it contains the odd wee sweary word, a heap of violence, and a woman in a hideous tracksuit. It’s all just words, though, so when you get to the bit with the hideous tracksuit, you can always imagine it’s described as a lovely tracksuit instead.

3. Our Man in Pathology
My first ever attempt at a comedy sketch. It’s not great, so try not to laugh. Actually, no, forget that. Do laugh. That’s the point.

That’s it for now. Hope you enjoy!

Right now I’m in the middle of putting together a submission for Image Comics, along with a very talented artist bloke from the US.

Image are the third biggest comic book publisher in the world (after Marvel and DC), but uniquely allow creators to hold onto their characters, rather than signing them over before publication. This means all rights to the characters I create will stay with me, unlike if I was to sign with DC or Marvel.

The main character of my mini-series is a private detective called Dan Green, who later assumes the nickname “Gangrene”, which is also the series title. Here’s the start of the synopsis, which will give you some idea of the concept:

Two weeks ago, private investigator Dan Green clawed his way free from a shallow grave. With his body and neck scarred by deep stab wounds, Dan was amazed to still be alive.

A few hours later, he discovered he wasn’t. A mysterious man-made virus had brought Dan back from beyond the grave, trapping his fully working intellect inside the rotting body of a murdered corpse.

Now Dan must take on his last case, and race to rescue a kidnapped child, before his body decomposes once and for all.

So that’s the general idea behind it all. As a special treat – and since I’ve been so evasive about what I’m currently working on for Egmont – I’m making the first 7 pages of the script for issue 1 available here. Just click the link below to download. You’ll need Adobe Reader to be able to view it.

Gangrene Script Pages

While sifting through some old files, I came across this blast from the past. Written immediately after Johnny B. Weeyerd, KENTUCKY FRIED FAIRY was my attempt at comedy fantasy for children.

Although I had a great time writing the manuscript, I didn’t do a single bit of planning before starting it, and so it goes round the houses a few times before reaching any kind of conclusion. Still, aside from being about 20,000 words too long, I think it’s pretty good, so I’m making the first couple of chapters available here.

You’ll need Adobe Reader to view the file. I’d love to hear your comments, good, bad or indifferent!

Kentucky Fried Fairy (opens in new window)