Tomorrow sees the beginning of what is destined to be the greatest battle in the history of all mankind. A thousand years hence, citizens of what shall by then be known as “Baztopia” (currently “Earth”) will look back and say “ooh, that was quite exciting, wasn’t it?”, before returning to their blissful, joy-filled lives.
Because tomorrow, my friends, sees the start of the final of Book Cover Wars 2011! My lovely, lovely new book, THE 13TH HORSEMAN, is in the final four, and what better way to celebrate than by the ruthless character assassination of one of my opponents?
So, in case you’d temporarily taken leave of your senses and were considering voting for his book, here are five things you probably didn’t know about WEREWORLD author, Curtis Jobling…
1. Curtis designed and developed the character models for Bob the Builder. Over a period of several months he painstakingly fashioned each of the characters by hand using his patented mix of dog hearts, asbestos and babies’ tears.
2. The character of Pilchard the cat was added to the show in tribute to all the kittens Curtis has microwaved over the years. The stripes on Pilchard’s back and tail represent the age at which Curtis commited his first kitchen-related kitten atrocity (7).
3. The concept for Curtis’ WEREWORLD books was actually the brainchild of eighty-six year old homeless man, Alfie Thompson. Curtis bought the idea from the crippled WWII veteran for seventeen pence and half a sandwich he found in a bin outside the Leicester branch of Marks & Spencer. Shortly afterwards Mr Thompson reportedly died of acute sadness.
4. The stories themselves are hand-written by teams of children in the poverty-stricken Chinese city of Shenzhen, who work up to eighteen hours a day writing paragraph after paragraph of material. At the end of each week, Curtis selects the paragraphs which will be included in the finished books. Those children whose efforts don’t merit inclusion are summarily executed under Jobling’s watchful eye.
5. Curtis is the creator of the animated show, Frankenstein’s Cat. The show features a feline protagonist who was pieced together by a deranged madman from the ruined remains of other cats. The entire premise is actually a biographical account of Jobling’s teenage years. See point 2, above.
So, dear friends, is this really the type of person you want to give your vote to? A man who executes sweat shop workers, breaks the hearts of pensioners and harvests baby tears for his own personal use?
Actually, knowing my readership, the answer to that question is probably “yes”. Damn. I really didn’t think this through.
Ah well, I don’t suppose it really matters who you vote for, just vote for your favourite, and may the best cover win!