BarryHutchison.com

I am going to devote this blog entry to an apology. Or rather, to a series of apologies, many of which are long overdue. I hope you will bear with me as I cleanse my soul of sin.

I am going to devote this blog entry to an apology. Or rather, to a series of apologies, many of which are long overdue. I hope you will bear with me as I cleanse my soul of sin.

I’d like to start by apologising to Miss Adam my primary four teacher, for disappointing and angering her by drawing a half-assed picture to accompany a story I’d written in her class. Though the picture was more of an afterthought, and was really little more than a thumbnail sketch depicting the events in the accompanying prose, it clearly did not live up to her high standards. For this, Miss Adam, I am sorry.

I would also like to apologise for quietly calling her a “fat cow” when she stormed away from my desk, and for adorning a copy of the Dandy annual 1987 with the words “Miss Adam is a fat cow” several dozen times upon my return home that evening.

I would like to pass on my sincere apologies to John, the then area manager of Blockbuster Video, for convincing the staff in all the stores in the Aberdeen area in 1998 that he was a dancer in Abba: The Movie. I take full responsibility for the time everyone stood round him at an employee’s leaving do, chanting, bellowing and insistently demanding he perform some of the more complex dance steps from the Swedish supergroup’s motion picture, until he finally gave in and utterly humiliated himself before the baying, jeering crowd.

Likewise I take all blame for the black eye he received from an irate customer when he refused to sign said customer’s wife’s copy of the compilation CD album, Abba Gold.

I would like to say sorry to the attractive American customer in the pub I worked in in 1999 for convincing her I was Tony Hadley out of Spandau Ballet.

I am not this man.

I would like to apologise to the nation of Belgium for a large number of things, including but not limited to:

• Wiping it from the face of the earth in Issue 1 of The League of Supervillains online comic.
• Several years of cruel and ignorant mockery, which didn’t once take into account your rich heritage and culture.
• Assuming ownership of the country by means of sending a letter to King Albert II instructing him I would like to lay claim to the entire nation, and that if he didn’t reply within 48 hours I would assume he had no objections. As a token of my remorse I am now re-instating Christmas before relinquishing all control of Belgian affairs of state.

While I’m at it I’d like to return the Shetland Isles to their rightful owner, and beg their forgiveness not only for the devious way in which I seized control of the islands, but for their new shape and colour scheme. I hope in time you can come to accept the new look.

I hope that somehow all of the parties mentioned in this post can find it in their hearts to forgive me. I’d also like to beg forgiveness from (in no particular order): Dr Macleod; Raymond Hervo; Steven Seagal; The London Philharmonic Orchestra; Andy Cameron; Tyne Daly; Estelle Getty; Andrew Lloyd Webber; Yoko Ono; the cast of Bread; East 17; Lewis Grassic Gibbon; and her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, for all manner of misdemeanours too numerous to go into here.

I am profoundly sorry for them all.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, December 3rd, 2009 at 11:23 am and is filed under Personal, Random Writings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.