BarryHutchison

Dear People of Earth,

I wanted to pen a quick letter in order to introduce myself to those of you who don’t know me, and to inform you all of a few of the changes I shall be making now that I have assumed total and absolute control of the planet formerly known as “Earth”, and hereafter known as “Kenny Loggins”.

Many of you may be asking why I have elected to rename the planet after the man behind the theme tune to the 1984 hit movie “Footloose”.  This is your first mistake.  The will of Barry must be obeyed without question or hesitation.  It’s called Kenny Loggins, just deal with it.

So as to avoid any confusion with Kenny Loggins the planet, Kenny Loggins the popular recording artist has been eliminated, and refunds for his scheduled June 2009 concerts in Paris, France may be obtained from the original ticket provider.

Before I go any further I’d like to take the opportunity to respond to some of the rumours which have been circulating about myself and my regime, and hopefully put your minds to rest a little.

Firstly, I am not an unfair man.  Far from it, in fact.  I believe each and every man, woman and child on Kenny Loggins was created equal, and each should be allowed to fully express their opinion on any subject, regardless of what those opinions may be.  Naturally, should any of these opinions cast aspersions upon my leadership, then I shall be remorseless and unrelenting in the pursuit of vengeance.  I shall, however, continue to defend your right to these opinions even as your family mourn their loss.

Secondly, I do not have an “Enforcement Team” authorised to force entry into your houses and places of work in order to investigate suspected plotting against me.  This is – quite frankly – utterly ludicrous, as any such team would find it impossible to match the efficiency of the surveillance devices already installed in key locations throughout your homes.  While a more sadistic ruler would neglect to do so, I feel it only fair to inform you that any attempt to tamper with these devices will result in the instant and explosive deaths of everyone within a five hundred metre radius of your location.

Lastly, I do not possess any freakish mutant abilities, nor am I immortal, despite what Alan Jackson of Denver told visitors to his Stapleton area sandwich bar, up until his recent crucifixion.  Research is continuing in this area, however, and I shall be sure to keep you all up to date with the progress.  Until sufficient advances can be made my brain shall continue to reside within the virtually indestructible android body it currently inhabits.  Those of you wishing to see for yourselves what my robotic frame looks like can find it depicted on all Kenny Loggins currency, and on the fifty foot high billboards currently being erected on every street corner.

Now that we’ve cleared all that up, let’s take a few minutes to review the main changes due to take place over the coming weeks and months.  For more information on any of the below you should refer to pamphlet B17-A: The Unquestionable Will of Barry and Your Role in its Fulfillment which, if you’d care to step outside, you will find nailed to your front door.  Should you have any difficulty complying with or adjusting to any of the guidelines detailed in the document, please do not hesitate to approach a member of one of my Recalibration Squads for assistance.  These Recalibration Squads may be identified by their distinctive yellow and red uniforms, their “RS” chest emblems, and their shoulder mounted rectal drills. They will be happy to assist you in any way they can.

Some of the changes  we all have to look forward to include the following:

1. The entire population of the planet shall be assessed and scored firstly according to intellect, wit and ability, and secondly according to dress sense and cultural taste, and all citizens shall be allocated a group – A, B or C – according to the results of these tests.  In order to ensure the future survival of the human race, Group A shall be allowed to continue more or less as they are, while members of Group B shall be sterilised immediately.  The people making up the third and final group shall be thrown screaming into the enormous furnace currently being constructed at Kenny Loggins’ core.  The combustion created by the flaming corpses of Group C shall be used to power several major cities, thereby reducing the drain on rapidly diminishing supplies of fossil fuels.
2. The nation of Norway will be evacuated in order to make room for everyone on the planet between the ages of 15 and 19, who are to be shipped there as soon as logistics permit, and until such times as they are fit to be reintroduced to the populace at large.  ElectroShock bracelets shall be fitted to them upon entering Norway, partly to maintain discipline, partly for their own safety and protection, but largely for my own amusement.
3. The long running television programme “Hollyoaks” will be cancelled and everyone involved in its production put to death.  In its place will be shown brutal and harrowing footage of “Saved By the Bell” actor Dustin Diamond being repeatedly mauled by a frenzied pack of starving Dobermans.
4. All religions are now outlawed, and anyone found to be practicing religion of any kind shall be trapped inside a slowly compacting and entirely transparent airtight cube with their horrified family, a live studio audience, and every television camera in existence watching helplessly on.
5. All written texts shall be altered to remove any trace of the phrase “Shania Twain”.  Likewise all audio or visual recordings of Ms Twain will be incinerated in the hottest fire ever witnessed by the eyes of man.  As a merciful ruler I shall allow Ms Twain herself to live, on the understanding she changes her name, goes into hiding, and never utters another sound for the remainder of her natural life.
6. The people of Belgium may no longer celebrate Christmas.
7. Nor may they celebrate anything else.
8. Each night, at a random time between the hours of 1 and 5am a high pitched alarm will sound within your homes to signal the beginning of Exercise Hour.  Sixty minutes of gruelling exercise shall follow, monitored at all times by your in house surveillance systems.  Those failing to take part in Exercise Hour shall be immediately trampled by a number of previously concealed cows.  Fat people are of little use to me.
9. Any and all future sequels, prequels or spin-offs of the movie comedy “Miss Congeniality” are expressly forbidden.
10. UK TV personality, Sir Jimmy Saville, shall be returned to his home world to face trial for a number of crimes he committed there before fleeing to Kenny Loggins in the early 1960′s.

Thank you for accepting you had no choice whatsoever in whether to read this correspondence or not.  Your compliance continues to make life easier – and longer – for all of you.

Warmest Regards,

Barry Hutchison (Ruler)