BarryHutchison.com

Something has been bothering me for the past few months, ever since I saw what I can only describe as “a very surprising thing” on children’s television. It was something that made me question everything I have ever believed. It was something that forced me to realise that not only do I not have all the answers, but I don’t even know what all the questions are.

It was something called Baby Looney Toons.

I came across it quite by accident. My son was flicking through stations, searching for something – anything – interesting to watch. He found Baby Looney Toons (hereafter known as BLT), and being a fan of the ‘proper’ Looney Toon cartoons, he settled on that.

What I witnessed was mind-blowing. I sat in my chair, eyes fixed on the screen, my head shaking from side to side of its own accord. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing – I wouldn’t believe what I was seeing. Because, if what I was seeing was correct, the whole world had just turned upside down.

You see, what I was watching, was this:

What was that? Did I just hear your jaw drop open in shock? I know how you feel, my friend, I know exactly how you feel.

For those unfamiliar with the characters, let me introduce them. On the left is Sylvester the cat. Or, a toddler version of him, at least. Look at him there, happily pulling his little buddy along in a cart.

Oh, and who’s that little buddy looking up at Sylvester with such adoring eyes? Why it’s Tweety Pie, the canary. Check them out – two best friends, playing happily together, without a care in the world. Why, I bet those two are going to remain close pals for life. Best Friends Forever.

You can perhaps understand my confusion. The Sylvester and Tweety I know are sworn enemies. It isn’t merely that they’re not on good terms any more, Sylvester has apparently dedicated his entire life to eating the wee yella fella. Think about it, in the classic cartoons Sylvester’s whole reason to be is apparently just to swallow Tweety whole.

When I saw them playing together like this I was knocked for six. If I was wrong about Sylvester and Tweety’s relationship, what else was I wrong about? Maybe Coke was Pepsi. Maybe up was down. If I couldn’t believe even the most basic facts about a series of Merrie Melodies cartoons, what could I believe?

What happened? That’s what I want to know. What happened between these two to turn them from the doting pals pictured above, to the bitter enemies pictured below?

At first I thought something must’ve happened to Sylvester. Maybe when a kitten becomes a cat, certain hormones kick in or something. I don’t know, I’m not a vet, but as a theory it had potential. Human males become more aggressive in their teen years, so perhaps the same is true in cats.

But the theory isn’t perfect. For one, I’d say Sylvester is past his teenage period, and is now well into adulthood by the point pictured above. I seem to recall him having a 5-year-old child of his own in a few cartoons, and from his general demeanour I’d put him around late twenties/early thirties. In cat years. Well past any aggression brought on by a surge of teenage testosterone.

Then there’s the fact he isn’t just picking on Tweety, he’s trying to swallow him whole. The last part of that sentence deserved italics, and it got them. This isn’t some dominance issue, this is the repeated attempted consumption of another living creature.

So that more or less made me rule out that theory. I started thinking of other alternatives. Was Sylvester just hungry? I doubt it. I’ve been hungry before, but I’ve never attempted to eat anyone, much less any of my friends. It’s just not the done thing.

Had the cat gone mad? Possibly, although in his interaction with other characters he seemed perfectly lucid and rational. But insanity was the only real possibility left for me as to why Sylvester had turned on Tweety with such ferocity.

And then something struck me. Something made me readjust my thinking on the whole issue. I realised there had been a piece of the puzzle missing, and I had just found it.

Look at the two pictures above. Notice anything different about Tweety in the second image? Let me spell it out for you:

He’s. In. A. Frickin’. Cage.

So, between events in BLT and events in the grown up Looney Toons, Granny took the decision to put Tweety Pie behind bars. He (it is a he, right? I was never sure) went from having all the freedoms of a human child, to being imprisoned in a metal cage – a metal cage with no apparent door of which to speak.

You might argue that this was a rather extreme safety measure, and that the cage was designed to stop Sylvester getting at the poor little birdie. If that’s the case, how come Sylvester could always open the cage with such apparent ease?

Because the cage wasn’t designed to keep Sylvester out, that’s why. It was designed to keep Tweety Pie in.

I’m not sure what Tweety did. I can only speculate. Whatever it was, it must’ve been something so terrible that it tore his and Sylvester’s friendship apart. Tore it apart to the extent Sylvester swore a violent and bloody revenge – a revenge which would see him happily devour his former pal, rather than allow him to live.

Whatever happened, Granny knew Tweety could never be allowed to mingle with the outside world again. A firm believer in law and order, she refused to allow Sylvester to take the bird’s life, and instead incarcerated him in a tiny prison with only basic exercise facilities. Now she spends her days keeping Sylvester away, trying to stop him doing something he’ll regret.

Every waking moment of her life is now filled with the horrific, heart-breaking memories of what Tweety Pie did. She probably blames herself, even though she shouldn’t. She couldn’t have stopped him. No-one could have stopped him.

And when Judgement Day finally comes, and all must face up to their sins, Tweety Pie will get what is coming to him. A demonic Hell-beast will emerge from the flames of damnation, and it will approach the chirpy little canary, with fire in its eyes and darkness in its hollow, empty hear.

It will approach the bird, and it will reach into the cage…

And then it’ll swallow him whole.

In the last two blog posts we’ve looked at tips 1-8, so logically let us now conclude with tips 9-12.  Then I can get back to writing any old guff about wasps or whatever on here, instead of trying to seem all clever an’ that.

9.  Experience beats research
The internet is great.  In fact, I can honestly say that I would seriously struggle to readjust to a world without the internet.  I’d probably go quite, quite mad with grief, and never quite get over that gnawing sense of loss.

That said, there’s more to life than the internet, and while Google and the like are very useful tools for checking facts and figures, they don’t come close to being able to replace actual real life experience.

Take, for example, the third book of the INVISIBLE FIENDS series, which I’m currently working on.  There’s a mobile phone mast in it, and it plays a (vaguely) important role in the story.  I’ve read lots about mobile phone masts (technically known as ‘base units’) over the past few weeks and have studied lots of pictures.  I know what kind of heights they range from, what they actually do, and even have a vague idea of how they’re put together.

I learned all this via a few searches in Google, and I thought I was as clued up as I needed to be.  Until, that is, I decided to make the two-mile hike up a hill to my closest mobile phone base unit.  Suddenly the facts and figures I had learned seemed less important, replaced as they were by just a general feel of the size and scale of the thing.

Yes, the research was useful – I could guess what some of the bits of equipment jutting out from the mast were – but it wasn’t really until I was right up close to the base unit that it solidified properly in my mind.

Research can often give you a detached, abstract view of whatever you’re reading up on.  If you have a chance to go and see what you’re researching first hand, jump at it.  It’ll only help make your descriptions more believable.

10.  Think about sequels
When you’re coming up with a story idea, it’s often useful to consider whether it could lead to a sequel or a series.  This is especially true when you’re writing children’s fiction, where series’ are rapidly becoming the norm.

I’m not suggesting you write a sequel – in fact, I’d advice you never to write a sequel unless a publisher has bought your first book and asked for more – but it’s worth mentioning in your query letters to publishers or agents if you think your manuscript could turn out to be the first of many books featuring the same characters.

Not only does it make the publisher/agent aware that follow-ups are possible, but it also shows you are thinking long-term about your career.  A one-hit wonder isn’t much good to a publisher.  They need to know you will consistently turn in work, and mentioning sequel potential is one way of doing this.

11.  The Query Letter
This leads on nicely from the last tip.  Query letters are something of an art, and one I’ve luckily never really had to master.  They are probably the most important weapon in your writer’s arsenal, though, and there are some pitfalls you should do your utmost to avoid:

• Don’t try to be funny. Even if you are genuinely amusing.  Even if your book is a side-splitting comedy, never, ever try to be funny in a query letter.  The letter is your professional calling card.  You (hopefully) wouldn’t turn up for a business meeting wearing a red nose and clown’s shoes, so don’t attempt the literary equivalent.
• Don’t big yourself or your manuscript up too much. Yes, you’re allowed to believe your book will be the most explosive blockbuster in the history of publishing, but don’t tell the publisher that.  All they’ll hear is those dreaded “amateur” alarm bells again, and if they do bother to read your manuscript they’ll already be very cynical about it.
• Don’t address a publisher or agent as “You Great Big Love Lummox”. It’s just not acceptable.
• Don’t say how much your friends enjoyed it. Your friends are your friends for a reason.  They like you.  That means they’re not impartial, so dropping the fact into the letter isn’t going to help your case any.
• Don’t threaten to kill yourself if they turn you down. Seriously.  I know of an agent it happened to.  It’s unlikely to help your professional career.

Basically, a query letter should be short and to the point.  It should introduce the concept of the book, briefly introduce yourself and any major writing achievements you have (previously published works, competitions won, etc) and then it should invite the publisher/agent to request the manuscript.  It should normally be accompanied by a detailed synopsis and the first three chapters, but that’s all down to the publisher’s guidelines, so refer to those before sending anything.

I know I mentioned referring to possible sequels in the tip above, but be sure not to dwell on this at the query letter stage.  You’re selling the first manuscript, not potential future ones.  Just slip in that further installments are possible, and leave it at that.

12.  Never give up
Even when you wake in the night soaked with sweat, full of self-doubt, don’t quit.  People will tell you you’re never going to make it.  Often they’ll believe they’re saying it for your own good, and they probably are, but don’t listen.  You’ll sometimes have days when you panic that you’re throwing your life away chasing a silly dream.  Pick up a pen and write about the feeling until it goes away.

This is the most important tip of all.  I can’t tell you you’re going to make it as a writer – no-one can tell you that – but I can tell you that if you give up you definitely will not.  The book you are writing now may not be published, but the next one will be better.  I don’t know if that one will be published, but if you don’t write it you’ll never know, either.

Keep trying.  Keep learning.  Keep writing.  You’ll get there.

In the last post, we looked at four tips that could help you on your way to writing professionally.  I should have mentioned at the beginning that when I saw “writing professionally” I mean becoming a published writer of fiction.  A lot of the tips will apply to other forms of writing – articles, non-fiction, screenplays, etc – but wannabe novelists are who the article is really aimed at.

Anyway, here are tips 5-8.

5.  Comfortable is not always good
If man was comfortable in the freezing cold, he probably wouldn’t have bothered discovering fire.  If he was comfortable carrying heavy weights over long distances, he wouldn’t have invented the wheel.

Likewise, I used to write nothing but comedy stories.  It was what I considered myself to be good at and, yes, I was comfortable with it.  It wasn’t until I pushed myself out of that comfort zone and tried something else – namely horror – that I achieved any kind of success.

Yes, the old adage is “write what you know”, and for a first novel that’s not necessarily a bad idea.  But try taking a different angle on it.  I took something fairly harmless – the concept of childhood imaginary friends – and turned it into something terrifying and horrific.  You can always find unique ways of looking at things you know about.  It just takes a bit of effort and a small leap of faith.

Don’t be afraid to push yourself out of your comfort zone – in fact, make a point of doing so – and your writing will be given a fresh energy.

6.  Think Big, Medium and Small
I’ve mentioned before how I need to set myself targets to achieve anything.  Many other authors I know work in the same way – they set themselves a realistic target each day, and they work until they reach it.  Whether they do it consciously or not, I bet most writers of novels or other lengthy pieces of work do something similar.

When I first started writing, I had the usual dreams and flights of fancy.  I pictured my name on the bestseller list.  I saw myself signing copies of my books, winning the Booker Prize, being Time Magazine Man of the Year…

OK, I may have got a little carried away with that last one.

But the point is, I thought about what it would be like to be a world renowned, bestselling author.  I probably thought about it too much, actually, without really doing a lot to try to make the dream a reality.

What I should have done was used these dreams as my Big Goal.  I could then have worked out my Medium Goal.  Obviously to become a besteselling author I would have to write a fantastic novel, and have it published.  So my Medium Goal would be to complete a full length manuscript.  It may not be the manuscript to be picked up by a publisher, but I would complete the Medium Goal over and over again until one book was published.

That would have led to my Small Goal, where I would break down the amount of work involved in writing a novel into smaller, more manageable chunks.  That’s where the daily targets come in.  Writing just 500 words a day of a 70,000 word novel would mean the first draft would be done in less than 5 months.  So by setting my Small Goal as “write 500 words today”, and then achieving that goal 140 times, I’d reach my Medium Goal.  Achieve my Medium Goal a few times, and my Big Goal would be much closer to being within reach.

Whether you call them Big, Medium and Small Goals, or Master, Long Term and Short Term goals, or whatever other name you come up with, visualising what you ultimately want to achieve, then breaking it down into stages makes the whole process much easier and less daunting.

Wow, that was a lengthy tip.  Let’s follow it up with a quick one.

7.  Always carry a pen
Because you never know when you might need to write something down.  Carrying paper of some kind wouldn’t be a bad idea, either.   Actually, this is a good tip regardless of whether you want to be a writer or not.

8.  Even gods have to learn to let go
As a writer, you get to create worlds, conjour people from thin air and essentially do whatever you like to all of them.  You can grant people the ability to fly, you can make animals talk, you can inflict pain and suffering, or you can create the perfect Utopia.  All this you can do with the stroke of a pen.  As a writer, you are the God of your own blank page.

And just like other gods, when you create these living beings, you grant them their free will.  This often means that despite all your best efforts, they will not do what you want them to do.

You’ve spent 10,000 words making Marjorie a full rounded, 3 dimensional character who positively sparkles on the page.  Your plot requires her to climb down a rickety old ladder into an abandoned mine shaft.  Only problem is, Marjorie doesn’t do rickety old ladders, and she certainly doesn’t do abandoned mine shafts.

You see, the problem with characters is that the good ones tend to evolve before your eyes.  You have a pretty good idea of what they’re like before you start writing, but by the time you’re any distance into your novel, they’ve taken on a life of their own.  This is great news – solid characters are the most important part of your story – but it can also mean forcing them to fit your plot contradicts the person they’ve become.

There is nothing that will put a publisher off more than a character in your story suddenly acting completely out of character.  Well, maybe a bit of sick on the front of your manuscript would be more off-putting, but not much.  Have characters behaving erratically for no reason, and you can kiss goodbye to your chances of the story being published.

If you’re lucky enough for your character to come to life on the page, then be prepared to adapt your story to fit them.  Let them loose and see where they take you – the adventure they lead you on may be more interesting than the one you came up with originally.

That’s it for now, the next (and final) four tips will be coming soon.

During a recent school visit, I was asked what you need to do to become a writer. Because we were about to run out of time, the only advice I was able to give was “practice”.

But of course there’s more to becoming a professional writer than just writing a lot. I may not have had time to go into detail during the school visit, but I can afford to expand a bit more now that the threat of the bell ringing isn’t hanging over my head.

So here, just for you, are twelve tips that will help improve your chances of writing professionally. Well, I say “twelve” but I actually mean “four”, as I’m breaking the article into three easily digestible chunks.

1. Write Lots
Yes, yes, I mentioned this one already, but it’s probably the most important tip of all. If you do something over and over again, you will get better at it. That’s just a fact, that is. Whether it be cooking, karate, singing or dwarf-hurling, the more you do it, the better you’ll get.

Writing is exactly the same. Write every day. It doesn’t matter what you write, just write it. It could be a short story or a poem, a diary or a recipe for jam flavoured hotdogs. The subject doesn’t matter. Getting into the writing habit is what’s important.

If you find all this writing a chore, or make excuses not to do it, then a job as an author is not for you. Trust me.

2. Develop a new way of reading
I don’t mean start reading backwards or anything, I just mean start changing the way you look at stories. Don’t just read a book, analyse it. Notice how the author uses words. Pay attention to the rhythm of the sentences. Observe how the characters are put together. Get under the bonnet and find out what makes the book work (or not).

Don’t take this to mean you should become detached and stop enjoying books – far from it. Allow yourself to become immersed in the story and experience every emotion of it fully, but try not to just be carried along by it. See if you can figure out exactly how the author made you happy or sad, or why one story was heart-poundingly exciting, while another bored you to tears. Once you know how other authors do it, you’ll be well on the way to figuring out how you can do the same things in your writing.

3. Learn when not to listen
In secondary school I told my English teachers that I wanted to be an author when I left school. Aside from one, they all told me not to be so silly. I should get a proper job, they said, and put aside any dreams of writing books.

I could have done what they suggested. I could have said “Yeah, fair point,” and went on to become … I don’t know. Something else. An embittered English teacher, maybe. But I didn’t. I heard what they said, I considered it, and then I ignored it.

And that’s what a writer needs to do on a near-daily basis. People will constantly try to give you advice. Friends, family, editors, agents, even total strangers – they will all chip in their opinions regularly. Some of them are paid to do it, others aren’t.

There will be many times when that advice helps transform an averagely good story into something spectacular. I am not for one second suggesting you ignore ALL advice you are given.  Do that and you’ll never become a working professional.  Lots of advice is very worthwhile

But those setting out to become writers often have a tendency to take on board every bit of criticism, and to try to please everybody. Believe me, you’ll never please everybody, so don’t waste your time trying.

People have opinions. Those opinions are not necessarily correct, or “better” than yours. Always be willing to listen to feedback, but if you don’t agree with it or can’t see its merit, don’t be afraid to ignore it.

4.  Become you own best critic
Notice I said “best” there, and not “worst”.  Someone who is their own worst critic is constantly negative about their own work.  How often have you had a writer friend ask you to read something they’ve written, only for them to hand it over with a sheepish “It’s not very good”?  How often have you done it yourself?  I know I used to.

If you honestly and genuinely think something you’ve written is rubbish, then rework it until you have confidence in it.  If you don’t believe in your work, then nor will anyone else.

If you’re just trying to set expectations low, in the hope of receiving positive feedback, you’re doing yourself an injustice.  How many books do you see on the shelves with “This is a load of old tosh” as the marketing tagline?  None.  Publishers wouldn’t dream of underselling or deliberately playing down a book’s quality, so why should you?

Someone who is their own best critic is able to look at their work with complete detachment, as if reading the manuscript of a complete stranger.  They can spot every flaw, every missed opportunity, and every pacing problem, and – more importantly – they can come up with ways to fix them.

Step 1.  Make sure it’s a novel aimed at 5-9 year olds, and as such is only 13,000 words long.

Step 2.  Write at an average pace of 4,333 words per day.

Step 3.  There is no step 3.  That’s it.

Simple, eh?  Seriously, it is.  I’ve just done it.  Twice.

Thanks to my lightning fast fingers I have managed to write two books for Egmont in a grand total of six days.  There was a break in between while I rewrote INVISIBLE FIENDS book 2, but when I total up my time spent working solely on the Egmont books, it’s six days.

So I wrote them fast, but did I write them well?  That’s the big question, and one I can’t answer until I hear back from my editor at Egmont.  I think they’re pretty good, but then I’m not the one editing them.  We will see, but in the meantime let us rejoice in my newly discovered ability to write two books in under a week.

And now I’m going to sleep for several days.  When I awake, I shall talk about a range of varied and interesting things.  But for now, I set off on a journey to the Land of Nod.

Toodle-pip.

Sam Enthoven, author of The Black Tattoo and TIM: Defender of Earth, read INVISIBLE FIENDS: MR MUMBLES recently and gave me some positively glowing feedback.  Fair warmed the cockles o’ me heart, so it did.  He rounded of his review with this, my second author quote for the series:

“Young people who doubt that books can be every bit as fast and frightening as games or films are in for a most wonderfully nasty surprise.”

Thanks, Sam.  The tenner’s in the post.

Apologies for the pun in the title of this post. It was rubbish, I know.

Just a quick post to say that I am in the process of stripping away any and all links to Amazon from the site. I’ve already removed the links from the My Books page and will be going through all the posts over the next few days, stripping out the links from in there, too. I’ve also hidden the “Now Reading” widget thing until such times as I can remove the built-in Amazon links.

So why am I doing this? If someone clicks a link from this site to Amazon and then buys a book, I make money, so removing them removes a potential source of income, doesn’t it?

Yes, it does, but I believe that Amazon and sites like it are killing the British bookselling industry. Small, independent bookshops are going out of business every week, and most of them because of Amazon. Now, I have nothing against Amazon – they are a business after all, and out to make money – but I don’t believe they are booksellers. Not properly, at least.

The booksellers I have met in local bookshops have never failed to be among the friendliest people I’ve met. Their knowledge of books is usually astounding, and they provide a much more personalised service than any website can ever hope to do.

Many bookshops also run regular events for children. When I lived in Ireland, my son and I would visit The Wexford Book Centre every Saturday without fail, taking part in the face-painting, story events, themed parties, or whatever else they happened to be doing that week. These events were fun, free and the perfect way to pass an afternoon. They got children excited about books and reading – again in a way that no website could ever hope to do.

Up and down the country there are hundreds of independent bookshops. Many of them run similar events. Some of them have regular visits from authors. All of them need your support.

So next time you’re looking for a book, don’t automatically head to Amazon. Take a walk or a drive to your nearest indie, and find out what a bookshop should really be like.

Don’t know where your nearest independent bookshop is? Then check out LocalBookShops.co.uk