The X-Factor

Written by Barry

Much as it fills me with self-loathing to admit it, I’m completely addicted to The X-Factor this year, despite the fact none of them are in reality all that good. I mean, let’s face it, none of them are Leona Lewis, are they? I doubt we’ll ever see her like again on the show.

Except earlier tonight, obviously, when she was performing.

I don’t even watch it for the music, it’s the whole pantomime of the thing I enjoy. I love how the audience boo the negative comments, cheer the positive ones, and kind of go “Yeahrumoobme” when they can’t figure out if the judge was being nasty or nice.

I have absolutely no preference as to who wins the thing. None. Earlier on I thought Diana was really good, but now I think she sounds quite like Cilla Black. She also has a strangely shiny face and mad hair, like the producers are making her sleep rough or something. No wonder she lost her voice. Bless.

And then we come to Eoghan, the cheeky 16 year old scamp from Northern Ireland. I don’t like Eoghan for three reasons:

1) He has a face like a Jim Henson puppet – specifically Hoggle out of Labyrinth. 2) “Eoghan” is a ridiculous way to spell “Owen”. “Eoghan” is how I would spell the sound someone makes when coughing up phlegm. 3) His hair. Jesus Christ, his hair.

Now, I’m past the age of knowing what’s fashionable and what’s not (and, in fact, I’ve never known) but surely no-one can think that hair looks good? It looks like someone tried to sculpt an ice cream cone out of straw. It’s the abominable offspring of Worzel Gummidge and a Mr Whippy. It is hair which should not be.

I felt bad for Daniel going out tonight, because he seemed like a nice guy. On the other hand, he couldn’t carry a tune to save his life, so the fact he made it this far is a testament to the terrible taste of the British viewing public. Good on him, though. Any enemy of Louis Walsh is all right in my book.

Because who can honestly say they like Louis Walsh? He’s a repugnant, pathetic, petty little man without an ounce of charisma. If I was to make it to the Judge’s house stage of the X-Factor and discovered I was going to Louis’ house, I’d pull out of the competition there and then.

No, that’s not true. I’d go to Louis’ house, burn it to the ground, then pull out of the competition. That’d show the obnoxious little toad.