Posted by Barry on May 30, 2008 in
Children's Books After finding a comment from children’s author Philip Ardagh on one of my earlier posts, I popped by his site to take a look. Not literally, obviously. I don’t live inside the internet, despite what my immediate family may suspect. For those of you who don’t know, Philip is the author of - among others - the Eddie Dickens Trilogy. I quite recently read Awful End, the first in the trilogy, and really enjoyed it.
Perhaps even more marginally less impressively, Philip joins me as one of the authors who provided short stories for Wow! 366.
You may recall that recently I mentioned I appear to be story 364 of 366, right next to Tom from McFly. Well Philip, it seems, has discovered that Scholastic were unable to find 366 contributors in the short timescale they had available. As such there are only 270 stories in the book.
Which begs the question, how can I be story 364 of 270? I didn’t pay all that much attention in maths, but I’m reasonably confident that within the realms of current human understanding, such a situation can not occur.
It’ll be interesting to see where I appear when the book is published in August.
Okay, not that interesting, but a bit.
Tags: Philip Ardagh, Wow! 366
Posted by Barry on May 30, 2008 in
Personal Although I’m 100% sure I’ve mentioned the fact before, for the purposes of completeness let me mention again that I have a son who recently turned six. He is in his first year of primary education, and has been doing fantastically well. In particular, he is excelling at reading and writing, desipte the fact that the English language makes ABSOLUTELY NO LOGICAL SENSE WHATSOEVER.
I’d heard people mention before how difficult spelling in English is, but I’ve dismissed them with a wave of my big, arrogant hands. Spelling is easy. It’s all just putting the letters the right way round, isn’t it? How hard can it be?
Recently, I’ve been called on to explain to my son why certain words sound the way they do. During these discussions I have found myself floundering, dazed and confused, as I attempt to explain why “light” may sound the same as “bite”, but are spelled differently.
The fact of the matter is, though, I have no idea. Why does “ight” make the same sound as “ite”? Why does it need an extra E for it to make the same sound in the word “height”, but not in “sight” or “might”? Why do we also spell the word “might” as “mite”?
It gets worse when we start discussing the letter A. I mean “wall”? That’s an O sound in the middle, surely? As in “gangster’s moll”? Add “pl” to the middle of “Ape” and it becomes “Apple”, complete with an entirely different sound at the start.
Then there’s the “ee” sound, which can also be produced using “ea” and “ie”. And, of course, the “oo” sound - different but the same in “pool” and “pull”. Let’s not forget, though, that the letter combination “oo” can also make an “oh” sound - as in “door”, or a hard “U” sound, as in “blood”. When spelling the word “mud”, however, the traditional letter “U” should be used in order to make the exact same sound as the “oo” in “blood”.
Confused? It just gets worse. “Time” sounds like “rhyme” which sounds not unlike “climb”. Can you “vote” on a “boat”? If I “die” will you ”cry”? Is there “foam” in your “home”?
Sorry, I (eye) don’t quite know (no) where (wear) I was going with those questions. The complexity of the English language must have temporarily addled my mind (mined). My apologies (apologee– Actually, forget that one).
Anyway, despite the ludicrous nature of English spelling, my young ‘un seems to be grasping it, even if he does have to settle for the answer “look, just because, okay?” when he asks me to explain the finer nuances of it all.
Tags: spelling
Posted by Barry on May 27, 2008 in
Random Writings Long, long ago I wrote the letter below for another website I ran. The site was called RandomRant, and recently I was forced to take it down due to hacker/not having enough time issues.
Anyway, I’ve saved all the content. Much of it isn’t … erm … suitable to go on here. Other stuff is. Over the next while I’m going to post some of the stuff which is reasonably safe for a family audience. Today we start with my personal favourite. Today we reprint A LETTER TO SKELETOR!
Sent: 27th July 2004 • To: Skeletor, Snake Mountain • Subject: Observations from a casual observer
Dear Skeletor,
First of all, many thanks for taking time to read this letter. I appreciate that your schedule is pretty packed with evil and evil related activities and that your time is precious. I’ll try not to take up too much of it, but I really do think you need to hear what I have to say.
I, like a large number of other people on the planet Earth, have watched with amusement for the past twenty years as you have repeatedly tried and failed to infiltrate and conquer Castle Grayskull and gain access to it’s legendary “secrets”.
Yes, you read that correctly Skeletor: “Amusement”.
Because while I appreciate the thought, effort and sheer dogged enthusiasm which go into your takeover bids, your apparent inability to spot the numerous and often gaping flaws in each and every one of them is laughable. I’m sorry, but it had to be said.
Take, for example, Fakir. You remember Fakir, don’t you Skeletor? The clone you made of He-Man? On the face of it, the plan was brilliant. Flawless. You managed to create an exact duplicate of He-Man using just the power of your Ram’s Head Staff, who could just walk up to Grayskull, knock on the drawbridge and gain entry. Victory was assured!
Or at least it would have been had you not given Fakir blue skin and orange eyes. I mean - what were you thinking there? I can only assume this was a frankly astonishing oversight on your behalf. The real He-Man doesn’t have blue skin or orange eyes, Skeletor, so in order to be truly effective, nor should an evil double. An identical duplicate should be identical to the thing it’s a duplicate of. The clue’s in the name. It’s just common sense.
Speaking of which, why do you insist on surrounding yourself with idiots? Okay, I appreciate that Beast Man and Trap Jaw are some scary looking blokes, but what real help have they been in your war on Eternia? They might mean well, but they haven’t contributed anything useful in two decades, Skeletor. Not a single thing. Even with employment law being so strict these days, any other employer would have found an excuse to dismiss them long before now.
It’s not as if you even like them, and I’m sure they can’t be brimming with job satisfaction either. I’ve had some crappy jobs in my time, but at least no boss of mine ever shouted “Fools!” at myself and my colleagues before shooting at us with lasers. I read somewhere recently that over fifty percent of people who get fired from a job go onto find higher paid employment in their next job. They’d probably thank you for sacking them in the long run.
And what about your strong right arm, “Evil” Lynn? Look at her name written down. You’ve just been pronouncing “Evelyn” wrong all these years, haven’t you? Surely even you can’t expect the Masters of the Universe to lay down their weapons and cower before someone called Evelyn? Particularly one who doesn’t even have the confidence to correct people who say her name wrong.
Your recruitment policy is utterly ridiculous. Take Tri-Klops - okay, so he has three eyes, but how’s that going to help defeat the mightiest man in the universe? At best it’ll just afford him a better view of He-Man’s massive fist as it connects solidly with his head. Likewise Ju-Jitsu - that big hand he has isn’t a useful special power, it’s just a big hand! He’s deformed! While I applaud your policy on employing the disabled, you shouldn’t fall into the trap of believing their disabilities will actually aid your nefarious schemes in any way. Elephantitis is not a valuable addition to your arsenal of evil.
And surely when you employed the two-headed Two-Bad you realized that each half of him spent every waking minute punching the other half in the face? Why didn’t this put you off? Why didn’t it start alarm bells ringing? Couldn’t you have just found a single headed person who would spend their time punching someone else in the face instead? Someone else who it would actually benefit you to have punched in the face? An employee who spends the entire working day physically harming himself is a liability, no matter what line of business you may be in.
And what about Stinkor? Jesus, Skeletor, you hire a guy just because he smells bad?! You think henchmen of that calibre are going to give you some kind of advantage over a man who can lift a mountain with one hand?
I dunno, it just seems to me that you’re deliberately shooting yourself in the foot by hiring these people. You’re attempting to conquer a planet and rule it with a fist of iron, Skeletor, not start a circus. It’s like you want to fail or something. There’s probably a psychiatric term for it, but I don’t know what it is.
Assuming you do genuinely want to succeed, my suggestion is a completely clean slate. Start from scratch. This time round though, I recommend you pick your staff based on their intelligence and skills, not by how outlandish they look. If a guy turns up for interview with green and purple striped skin and metal wings, try to find out what abilities he has rather than just offering him a job on the spot.
And when I say “abilities” I mean useful ones. Sit down and make a wish list of skills and attributes you think will genuinely increase your chances of ruling Eternia. I’d be surprised if “mental command over fish” is on there, so retaining Mer-Man’s services will be largely unnecessary. Again, he may be resentful at first, but he’ll be relieved at no longer having to worry about being thrown headlong into a pit of lava when he inevitably makes his next blundering mistake and will soon come to accept the benefits of no longer working for you.
Once you have an effective team in place, pay attention to what they have to say. I know this goes against the grain, but even with the buffoons you have working for you now disaster could have been averted time and time again had you only listened to them when they pointed out the obvious holes in your plans.
Like the machine you built to turn people to stone and bring stone things to life. Even Beast Man knew that one was an accident waiting to happen, and sure enough fifteen seconds later the machine was going crazy. What thanks did Beast Man get for pointing out the dangers of your latest contraption? A lightning bolt to the feet. He was only trying to help. How long did it take you to devise and construct such a machine, Skeletor? Longer than the four seconds it took He-Man to defeat the giant statue you brought to life with it, I’m almost certain.
The same goes for the huge tank you made out of dinosaur bones. Appearance wise it was nothing short of breathtaking, but what was its purpose? I can see why the whole ‘bone theme’ appealed to you, but you can’t have honestly believed that a vehicle which travelled at approximately four miles per hour and offered no protection whatsoever to those riding inside it was going to be the one to win the war? Trapjaw knew it was destined for failure, you could see it in his eyes, but he kept his metal mouth shut for fear of being on the receiving end of the mental and physical abuse he’s come to expect from you.
Rather than waste valuable time and resources developing such ludicrous contraptions, maybe you should concentrate instead on learning how to use your magic Rams Head Staff properly? I’ve seen you use it for everything from simple fireball hurling to creating living creatures out of thin air, so it seems to be an incredibly powerful piece of kit. Do you maybe have an instruction book or manual for it lying around Snake Mountain anywhere? If not perhaps you could get in touch with the manufacturer to see if they can help. It’s clearly far more effective a weapon than a ray that stops all the flowers in Eternia from blooming. What use is that, Skeletor? You think He-Man’s going to give up the secrets of Castle Grayskull because he misses his Aspidistras? It’s not going to happen.
And anyway, are you sure Castle Grayskull actually has any secrets? I’ve seen inside it and it looks kind of sparse to me. It’s just all stone walls and very little else. Maybe there’s a room somewhere that’s got secrets in it, but they’d have to be pretty impressive to justify the effort you’re putting into getting them. What if the secret of Grayskull is just the Sorceress’ family recipe for Bolognese sauce? Okay, that might be some tasty sauce, but is it really worth devoting your entire life to? It’s something to think about anyway.
Finally - and please don’t take this the wrong way - don’t you think you perhaps set your sights a little high when choosing He-Man as an arch enemy? I mean, granted you’re pretty toned and clearly keep in shape, but when your opponent can defeat you and your entire army simply by blowing on you the time has surely come for a serious rethink?
I hope you’re not too disheartened by this letter and that you take some of my suggestions on board. There are too few evil megalomaniacs with no skin on their face around today, and I really do think with a bit more thought and a few slight changes in strategy you will one day become ruler of Eternia. I wish you all the best for when you do.
Regards,
Barry Hutchison
P.S. - He-Man is Prince Adam with different clothes on. Obvious when you think about it, isn’t it?
Tags: RandomRant, Skeletor
Posted by Barry on May 26, 2008 in
Children's Books,
Personal I find myself sitting in the sunshine with half an hour to spare, and it feels like blog posting time.
The last week has been filled with writing, parents evenings, cinema visits and the purchasing of spectacles. And more writing.
Business first - I finished off the first draft of my top secret and unbelievably cool children’s novel for Egmont. Submitted it last night, so now have a tortous two weeks to wait for feedback.
I’m pleased with the draft, but that doesn’t stop a numb feeling of dread filling my very soul while awaiting Egmont’s notes. The same thing happened when I wrote the Beastly books. Fortunately there wasn’t much which needed changed with those, so hopefully this will be the same.
Next month I start another book for Egmont, which is part of a new series, but that’s even more top secret than this one, so I won’t be giving anything away until it’s due for publication (June 09, so be prepared for a long wait for information).
In a move which wouldn’t be out of place in the 1980s teatime gameshow, ‘Busman’s Holiiday’, I’ve decided to fill my two week break from writing with some more writing.
Instead of kids books I’m going to be concentrating on the much more grown up world of comics. I’ve been a comic fan since I was old enough to read (think Marvel and the like, not The Beano) and have always wanted to write for them. Last week I knocked together the first three pages of a story featuring a character I created. So far the feedback it has received - including from professional writers and artists - has been incredible, so I’m going to take the next fortnight to write a complete 22 page comic script using the character.
I’ve also had a sitcom idea, so I need to get that written some point, too.
Anyway, I took a day off from writing last week and went to see the new Indiana Jones film. It was all right. Not brilliant, but not The Phantom Menace I feared it was going to be. Indy looks old and tired for the first ten minutes, and there’s a ludicrous scene involving swinging through the jungle, but other than that it’s pretty good.
I also got new glasses. Two pairs. God bless buy one get one free. One pair looks much like my last pair, but the other is a big change for me. They’ve got thick, black plastic frames, and really bring out my inner nerd. I’m still undecided on them, but I’m wearing them now, so evidently I don’t hate them. Yet.
Oh, and I quickly put together a sketch for the DumbFUNDED competition. I’ll post a link to their site later when I’m not writing on a tiny screen a fold-up keyboard.
Tags: Comics, Egmont, Indiana Jones, movies, sketches
Posted by Barry on May 20, 2008 in
Children's Books I feel like Columbo with that title up there. But without the crumpled overcoat, obviously. Or the skelly eyes.
Anyway, the point of the post is that I got the proof through of my Wow! 366 story from Scholastic today. Everything seemed okay, aside from a glaring error in the spelling of my name, which I’m assured will be corrected.
It appears that my story is going to be number 364 of 366. I’d convinced myself this is because they were following the age old “save the best for last” guideline, until I noticed who wrote story number 365. Who else could it be, but Tom from McFly? Me and Tom, Tom and Me, snuggled side by side between the sheets. Of paper.
I only have half of Tom’s story on my proof, so it would be unfair to criticise it. I’m reasonably confident he’ll be sticking to music, though. Everyone has at least one great talent, and until such times as he discovers his, music’s as good a time filler as any.
Tom, if you’re reading this, I’m just kidding. No offence intended. I love your story. The way it exactly mirrors the tale of the boy who cried wolf is ingenious. Taking an all time classic story and changing every instance of just one word is something which would have never occurred to me. Good for you!
Tags: Wow! 366
Posted by Barry on May 20, 2008 in
Personal It’s been a couple of weeks since my last posting. Sorry about that.
While I haven’t been posting, I have been making a few changes to the site. Not big changes, or that, but changes all the same. Before the changes I had it plastered all over the pages that I was a children’s author. Which I suppose is fair enough, since I am, in fact, a children’s author.
But I’m not just a children’s author. I ain’t no one trick pony, I’ll have you know. I’ve written screenplays. Screenplays, I say!
They’ve never been made or that, but I’ve written them all the same. And I did a sitcom thing with the BBC. The finished script wasn’t exactly side-splitting or that, but still …
Okay, so before the kids’ books my writing career wasn’t exactly a roaring success. It wasn’t even whimpering mediocrity. It was, it could be argued, a sobbing failure. Let’s call a spade a spade, here.
But I’ve decided all that is going to change. I’m writing more and more books for children, but am going to make more of an effort to branch out into all the other areas which interest me. Sketch writing, for instance. I’m going to have a bash at that. And comics. I love comics, so why don’t I at least try to write one? There’s no reasonable excuse, so I won’t waste your time or mine trying to come up with one.
So yes. I’m going to try harder. I’m going to stretch my creative muscles. I’m going to write, dammit! I’m going to WRITE!
Just not tonight. It’s too late, so I’m going to bed instead.
Tags: Comics, sketches
Posted by Barry on May 2, 2008 in
Personal Yesterday, while browsing the aisles of one of the many branches of Tesco supermarket in Inverness, I was handed this leaflet, promoting cut price cooked chickens:
Which is fair enough if you’re into that sort of thing. I’m not going to get into the whole free range vs intensively reared debate, or how anyone can possibly sell a chicken - cooked or otherwise - for just two pounds.
What I want to discuss instead is the ‘person’ who handed me the flyer. It is them I had the real issue with. Take a look at the following photo and see if you can guess why …
Of all the dirty, backstabbing traitors! I mean, way to sell out your own species, you big yellow sicko. What kind of payment did you receive for urging we humans to consume the flesh of your brethren? All the corn you can eat? Or did they merely agree to spare your life in return for your eternal soul? I hope the agonising screams of a thousand dying hens haunts you every time you close your eyes.
Personally speaking, I’d have got a fox to hand out the leaflets. That would have made some semblance of sense. That said, though, a fox would most likely want to keep all the chickens for itself. Maybe a rabbit or squirrel. Something neutral. A tortoise.
The Ninja Turtles! That’s what I would have done. Had the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles handing out flyers while performing acrobatic martial arts moves. That would have made more sense.
Curse you, big yellow chicken. Your treachery shall cost you dear.
Tags: Big Chickens
